How did I lose myself? How did I get to a point where I had to search for my authentic self or even know I was lost in the first place?
Knowing I was lost and in need of finding who I was, was just that… a ‘knowing’. I just knew, deep down in a primal part of my being; there was something else, and I had to find it.
I have found it, or at least I am gradually exposing it. If I had to give a name to the thing I was searching for, it would be simply ‘ME’. The person I always was, but the authentic version of this girl. The one who knows what she wants and will fight for it.
Experiencing chronic uncertainty, deep disappointment, devaluation, abuse, or fear in childhood can cause us to alter our personality and ‘put on a mask’. We do this for safety. Just as a baby cries when hungry or uncomfortable. A child will also automatically adjust their behaviour to stimulate care from others or create a feeling of safety and security.
I learnt ways to keep myself in as much safety and certainty as i could
For a child, this is life or death stuff. If your parent dies and the other cannot look after you, you may need other people to keep you alive. How can you get them to do that if you don’t imitate their behaviours and social structure to prove your value to their tribe? I learnt to morph into the behaviours I perceived my carers expected and tried to fit into their lives.
When I felt disappointed that my life wasn’t like other kids, I pretended everything was okay. I was in a church culture where it was wrong to speak negatively. To express feelings that were anything but joyous and grateful; was to cause your pain and invoke devastating results.
I felt devalued, I wanted to do things to help, but as a seven-year-old, I could not achieve adult standards. Depending on who I was with, I had to ‘be a big girl’ or ‘be a kid’. I never quite reached peoples standards depending on their view of the world. When mum was home, she tried her best to allow me to have a childhood. The challenge was it like dismissal maybe I wasn’t doing things well enough for her to be happy. Due to the belief that I was responsible for her well-being, I always tried to act in ways I thought would make her happy rather than using my authenticity.
But how often was i right?
Inevitably I was often wrong when I tried to adjust myself to other peoples liking. Who can ever really know the mind of another person? But I persevered.
When you compound these behaviours over the years, altering your personality becomes like a mask you wear all the time. I wore my mask long enough to lose track of who I was underneath it all. Because of its foundation in my childhood, I never knew who I was initially.
As a kid, acceptance and approval from others were a matter of survival. Being authentic had the opposite effect- putting me at risk. It is no longer so as an adult, but I didn’t realise this protection was no longer needed. The need to be accepted had morphed into physical anxiety at the thought that I might have upset someone. I feared that if I spoke my mind, people would hate me.
The odd thing is that there was no current connection between rejection and what the consequences would be. I never considered that it was no longer vital for me to be accepted by everyone. As an adult, what is the worst that will happen if someone doesn’t agree with you or approve of your choices?
My Child Brain was running the show
Rejection = Loss of everything. My adult brain has started to oversee this process. Now I can see how not being myself is causing me to miss out on many things.
Meaningful and authentic communication was blocked. When seeking approval and acceptance, I would avoid ‘confrontation’ at all costs. In this way, I undermined my values and beliefs, leading to shame and self-betrayal.
You devalue yourself by prioritising what others think of you rather than what you feel about yourself. That can undermine your self-esteem, eroding confidence in your ability to be open and genuine in any interaction.
There are many ways to be honest and open without hurting others. Genuine communication doesn’t mean being insensitive or hurtful. Being authentic will help create more empathy for others due to your awareness of the vulnerability of being wholly yourself.
I have, over time, become very aware that my interpretations of what people are judging are often wrong. In fact, right or wrong, it doesn’t matter. I follow my heart, and in doing so, I have found even deeper care for others.