I have been sitting on this post since about May, I needed to write while it was fresh in my mind, but it didn’t go out for one reason or another. Not the time, I guess. I wanted to share a specific experience that relates to my transition into new growth but also what it is like living with someone who has Bipolar.
My husband Bill has rapid cycling Type 2 Bipolar Disorder; he was officially diagnosed in 2015. Bipolar had impacted our lives in many ways before any Doctors or medications were involved. With his diagnosis came many answers, but not always solutions. Life has gotten a little easier and more stable since he settled onto regular medication, but he still has some extreme ups and downs that can make life quite uncomfortable.
Lately, I have been going through significant personal growth, learning to let things wash over me and then letting them go. It isn’t good to hold too tight, even to things we love. One thing I have noticed about growth is that when we think we have grasped a concept, we are often tested or challenged to see if we are ready to live what we are saying. I wouldn’t know why this is, but it is often the source of pain when we learn something.
Something significant happened
In March, Bill had a major hypomanic episode that extended longer than we were accustomed to. It was exacerbated by a 200-mile running event that he was volunteering at (he had little sleep for nearly a week). Coming down from it, he had extreme anxiety, irritability and an overwhelming urge to escape everything. Now this wasn’t a fleeting moment of life is too hard, but a massive thing consuming his every waking moment, trying to formulate ways to leave us while minimising the damage.
When he told me about what he was experiencing, my first wave of feelings was fear and anger. Aren’t I enough for you? I have committed everything to support you through all the extreme ups and downs, and now you will walk away? I let this feeling flow over me for about a day, then reminded myself it wasn’t about me and relinquished the emotion. Feelings often well up repeatedly, and I had to keep releasing them to avoid being overwhelmed. It was certainly not a one-time action.
Next came a feeling of loss and grief. This mainly was a result of realising I would have no control over the outcome. This was Bill’s journey to take. I recognised this was my chance to practice letting go. To not try to control the outcome and be the best person I could be in the situation.
Bill was struggling with feeling overwhelmed by peoples ‘expectations’ some real and some perceived. There was no desire in him to hurt me or anyone else. He couldn’t process and cope with everything going on in his mind.
I didn’t want to lose love
Despite not wanting to lose someone I love deeply, I knew I had to tell him I would let him go. This would be for his health and safety if he needed to do that. I wanted him to stay. To get better at communicating. To sort through any issues and keep moving forward with me, but I would not stand in his way if he had to leave. I was 100% genuine. If he had left, I would have been nursing a broken heart, but I intended to see good on my promise to have it happen in the best way possible.
I am glad to report that he decided to stay, and we have been slowly working through things. One of the breakthrough points was Bill realising that his self-worth was rock bottom, and he didn’t recognise it because he was deflecting. He was telling himself everything that happened was someone else’s fault. This allowed him to avoid shining a light on himself because he did not love and accept himself. He knew he would not be happy with what he saw. Bill is now also on a journey of growth and discovery, hopefully on the path to finding out what a worthwhile person he is.
On this journey, however, I also had to face the issues underlying my reluctance to let anything go. Not letting go is a way to keep the status quo and avoid uncovering problems that keep us comfortable. What was I covering? What behaviour was I accepting that I shouldn’t have been to keep Bill happy and comfortable? I recognised that he would often talk and act unacceptably in times surrounding the mania. However, I had been excusing it away with the mental health label of Bipolar. He had ways of talking to me that I realised I should no longer tolerate.
I was bending over backwards to try and communicate in ways he needed or demanded. Because his expectations constantly shifted, I was never hitting the mark, then taking the blame when an issue wasn’t resolved.
I dug deep…
Put on my big girl boots, took the biggest risk, and drew a line in the sand. If I was going to let him go, I was also going to ask more for myself if he decided to stay. Bill has stepped up to make this transition and be open to me showing him where my boundaries are.
Make no mistake; this is a painful process. I have never drawn a line this way before, and he hasn’t taken this level of responsibility. It is new territory for us. Very scary, but I can already see positive changes and advances in our relationship. I am confident that we will emerge from this much stronger and more well-balanced than ever.
Seven months have now passed since I wrote this blog post. Bill and I find ourselves at a new level in our relationship that we didn’t know we could achieve. I credit this to two things. Firstly, both of us being willing to face the pain of growth instead of running away. Secondly, setting a higher standard for ourselves and accepting nothing less. I am proud of the fantastic person Bill is. I look forward to continuing my journey alongside a person who keeps me engaged and challenges me to be more.
If you want to read more about Bill’s adventures, you can find him on Facebook at Bipolar in transition.