When opening up to others about loss, it is easy to end up questioning if positivity is actually a burden. Common responses from people seem to fall into one of three categories.
The competitive complainers. People who, when you open up to them, commiserate with you and then quickly turn the thing that you shared into a competition about who has more pain, long-winded stories about their sore toe, or something that happened to them yesterday.
The positivity powerhouses. When you share with these people, they will remind you that you need to think, talk and act positively, no matter how painful your suffering is. They will refuse to hear any negative talk from you or allow realness.
The Avid avoiders. These people don’t know what to say or how to act. They think if they talk about what you are suffering that they might remind you of the loss you have had or the trauma you experienced. As though it is not at the forefront of your mind 100% of the time. They tend to find the idea of just listening to be too simple.
The positivity powerhouse
I frequently talk about the importance of gratitude, thankfulness and hope, but this does not mean that these things are the first or only answer to someone else’s pain. The practice of daily gratitude will help keep you grounded, improve your overall ability to cope and reduce anxiety. But it is not the whole picture. It is much easier to point back to how these things helped when you have come through the worst of it and see the difference it made, but not so easy to carry out while you are in the midst.
People in the upheaval of recent loss or trauma are using all of their resources just to get out of bed in the morning and face the day. Sometimes they don’t even have enough resources for that. How are they going to walk around living the lie of continual positive speech and thinking? This serves only to compound the pain because then they feel guilty and burdened that they are not meeting the expectation of others or doing what is needed to get out of that funk.
Positive thinking and gratitude are only a small part of the recovery process and certainly, not a part we need to pressure others with. They will get to that place when they can. People need to be real and vulnerable and accepted for who and where they are, no matter how messy that place is or how long it takes. There is no timeline for grief, no right way to express it and definitely no place for the attitude of “surely they should be over it by now, its been 5 years”
Picking one thing to do, like asking someone to help you get some nutrition by bringing a meal, having a friend swing past and take you for a short walk or a sit in the sunshine, getting counselling, or maybe watching or reading something that might trigger a smile is more than enough to help with movement toward recovery.
Just show up
People never really get over their grief, pain and suffering. It simply changes with the passing of time, becoming part of the fabric of who they are. It can help them to become aware of the pain of others.
Even having had first-hand experience with this, I still forget sometimes that maybe I shouldn’t be trying to “fix” things for others, glossing over their deep pain and giving my opinion on what would help them. If I could always remember to just simply show up, I would be a better person.
Thank you to all the people who have ever shown up for me over the years. Your love and care are so deeply appreciated.