Jim Rohn said, “You must learn to discipline your disappointment”. Excellent advice; if you don’t master this, you will be like a yo-yo, with emotions all over the place. I would go a step further and suggest that if you can discipline the great expectations we all experience, you won’t feel as much disappointment.
I have been disappointed many times in my life. Not getting gifts I wanted, people not doing things my way, or simply not living up to my standards. In my mind, the other person always left me disappointed through their behaviour, no fault of my own.
Disappointment is generally connected with negative emotions
Like sadness, anger, frustration, and other unpleasant feelings. The other person involved in the interaction can also be left feeling inadequate. Usually, others know when you are disappointed with them, as your attitude toward them can be affected.
As a child continually trying to be accepted – to fit in. I was hyper-aware of all the times I didn’t get things right, leaving the adults disappointed or angry. It induced a lot of anxiety over the possibility of someone being disappointed and rejecting me. These feelings from childhood have carried into adulthood with me. Even a hint of disappointment from someone can trigger concern of rejection and the fear that comes with it.
Understanding that giving and receiving disappointment was a significant source of pain, I questioned how to minimise it. I have managed it quite well in some areas, but in others, it is still a significant work in process. The first step for me has been to recognise it. When I feel any negative emotions, I try to ask myself if I have any expectations that aren’t being met.
Today Bill was doing a job for me, and he talked about how he wanted to do it. I wasn’t responding how he wanted, so he began to get snippy with me. His being short with me wasn’t meeting my expectations for how I should be spoken to, so I, in turn, got annoyed with him.
Having boundaries is healthy
Lines that you draw around how you want to be treated. This is different to expectations – the expectation is anticipating people will always respect your boundaries or do what you want. They won’t. Some won’t care about your limits, and others will cross them accidentally, meaning no harm. If people continually cross your boundaries, you can choose how to deal with that. You might spend less time with them or speak to them about it. Without the expectations of how they should behave, you won’t be dealing with boundary violations from a negative emotional place but a clear understanding place. One from which you can healthily deal with any issues.
If you minimise your expectation of how others ‘should behave’, you will reduce the anger and disappointment you experience.
I was disappointed and cross when Bill didn’t talk to me the way I wanted. He hadn’t meet my expectations. I needed to remember that Bill is very respectful of my boundaries in our life and interactions. That meant the issue wasn’t that; it was me having an expectation of how he should be in that moment. The reality is, that is my problem, not his.
Who am I to decide what standards others need to live up to? That will always be based on my values which are not the same as different people’s values. What makes me correct? The only person I am setting boundaries around is myself. The limit is ‘What do I accept in my life?’ not ‘How should another person behave?’. The difference seems slight, but it is profound.