As a preface to the following story, I would like to say that I think it’s a great privilege to care for a loved one, especially as they take the journey from this life to the next. It is a reflection of some of the difficulties involved in moving from childhood trauma to an adult carer. The whole point of writing my blog is to own up to the various array of feelings in an effort to connect with others who also may be experiencing similar feelings and not know how to talk about them. I love that I had the joy of caring for my mum, having a friendship we would never have shared had it not been this way. I want to help myself understand it is impossible to be perfect.
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The mother was very sick. The father had a talk with his little girl. “Your mum is sick. You really need to behave/ help out/ keep your room clean/ be good. If you don’t, your mum might get sicker, and moreover, she may even die”.
Now, this girl doesn’t remember the exact words of that conversation. They weren’t too far from what you just read. Basically, she received a gift that day. The gift of a burden that she would carry forward for the next 30-plus years. Sounds unreasonable? Not to a small girl with no concept of a father who didn’t know how to handle the challenging situation he found himself in. No sooner had he said it than there it was again – be impossibly perfect.
she took responsibility that wasn’t hers
Internally the girl took on the responsibility of being the cause of sickness or wellness. She made a concrete decision that her calling in life was to be her mother’s carer. Understanding that it was imperative to keep this person happy with her at all costs. As a result, all the girl’s life decisions were based on the knowledge that her mum’s care was for her to carry out. She would be the one who needed to be ready to meet the call.
There were some years of reasonable health when the girl was able to push the need to keep her mum happy to the back of her head. What is not in your direct field of vision is a little more easily ignored. She did some silly things that would never have been approved of. Had some life experiences, got married and had two kids. The need to be impossibly perfect never went far away and caused guilt to build in her soul. When she met her husband, it was expected that she would be available to go home and be the carer when it was needed. As expected, eventually, the time did come. After a medical emergency, and the girl went home with her two children in tow. Her husband would commute on weekends.
this time turned into 10 years of being a carer
Never did she dwell on what life might have held for her. Additionally, there was no thought for what gifts and talents she might have or what she was built to be. The desire to get everything right grew. The girl could not say no. Ever.
The food had to be what her mother could eat and perfect every time. Everything they did would revolve around not only her mum’s limitations but also her permission. Please understand this wasn’t the mums doing. Nonetheless, massive anxiety surrounding every decision, from big ones right down to what day the sheets got changed, was created in her mind. By that one limiting decision she made as a child. From that point on, everything she noticed, did, or chose reflected that decision. It worked toward building a rock-solid set of beliefs that would take her through.
The inevitable still happened
Despite the girl’s best efforts (which she never ever thought were good enough), her mum still died. With pockets full of beliefs about being the carer and responsible for it all, the girl was left with guilt. Guilt and, additionally, a massive hole in her life and soul.
The girl felt guilty about what she had or hadn’t done at the end and how that caused the death. Worse than that, she carried a shame that she had not been a good enough girl to keep this special and loved person alive. Maybe the bacon and egg sandwich wasn’t cooked quite right. Or the Doctor had prescribed the wrong medicine, or the floor wasn’t mopped often enough. But even worse than that, was living with the knowledge that, in her own heart, she had wanted the freedom just to be. Just be herself and nothing more. All the while, the voice in her head screamed, “What kind of a monster thinks that way?”.
The key difference between guilt and shame is that guilt can be described as “I did a stupid thing”. Shame is “I am stupid” (replace the word stupid with words like bad, careless, hurtful, rude, annoying etc.).
It’s time to start excavating old limiting beliefs and decisions made when we didn’t know any better. Now is the time to start living life fully, just as that little girl has chosen to. At nearly 43 years old, this girl is removing the limiting decisions and learning how to say no AND yes. She has realised that there is much more in life to be discovered and explored. That she has some gifts and talents that were wasting away in her efforts to be impossibly perfect.