Whilst having a catch-up with a friend who doesn’t know much about my history last week, we got talking about mum’s story, her cancer journey and all the other chronic medical issues she had as a direct consequence of her treatment. This flowed into how it affected me as a child and into my adult years. She was shocked at the thought of what a tough life it was for a little kid. I was only 6 when Mum began her journey. It was a massive upheaval in every area of our lives. I was doing housekeeping, cooking meals, changing nappies on my little siblings, having adult-type concerns over my father’s mental health, living with other people, attending schools that weren’t mine, riding the emotional rollercoaster with basically no support, and having no idea what was coming next. This was my life in varying degrees for many years.
In the past, when I have talked about these things and how I was affected by them, I always felt upset, but also like I was supposed to be sad and traumatized by all the different aspects and pain. Like maybe I wasn’t a feeling, caring person if I didn’t have a trauma story to tell.
Telling the story this time made me suddenly very aware of how I have let a lot of baggage go. I have been able to step back and acknowledge that everyone involved was doing the best they could. Coping in the only ways they knew how. There is no feeling of judgement. I no longer get that lump in my throat and prickling in my eyes. As Maya Angelou says, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better”
I have been actively choosing to put down old emotional baggage and not pick any more up! It has certainly been challenging, but after this revelation, I know I am on the right path. I have begun to understand that it does not mean I don’t care. I am actually extremely caring and empathetic, I’m just choosing to use that in the now, on people and situations that need it. Not keep it locked up in past events and circumstances.